When Families Change: How to Talk to Children About Divorce

When Families Change:
How to Talk to Children About Divorce

While the effects of divorce impact both parents and children, it can be particularly impactful on children’s mental health, as separation and divorce are often very difficult for children to understand and accept. In this article, we provide some practical strategies on how to support your children and help them navigate the change in family dynamics:

If it is possible and safe for you to do so, plan the conversation with your spouse ahead of time and have the conversation all together as a family.

Using “we” language is preferable, such as “we decided” or “we both love you.” This language subtly shows the child that you are still a team when it comes to making sure their needs will always be met. Even if you have conflict outside of the presence of the children, presenting the decision mutually can prevent the children from developing loyalties to one parent or the other from the start.

Keep the explanation simple and age appropriate.

Your child will likely want to know why you are getting divorced, and they may or may not be aware of ongoing conflict between their parents. For younger kids, you will likely have to explain what a divorce is but can keep the explanation as to why you are divorcing generally simple and undetailed. Older kids, on the other hand, will likely know what divorce is but may want more information regarding the source of conflict and the nuances of the divorce. While honesty is the best policy, there are certain details your kids should not know about at any age. The explanation you provide should not imply either party or the children are to blame.

Be strategic with the time and pace of your conversation.

Choose a quiet and private setting with few distractions. Preferably, you will be at home where the child can feel free to react as big as they need to without strangers or outsiders watching. Also be mindful of the child’s routine and schedule to avoid further disruptions. For example, avoid having these conversations right before bedtime or any major events. You do not want to make the transition worse by disrupting their sleep or putting a direct damper on something exciting they were looking forward to. There is no perfect time to bring up divorce with your child, but there are certainly times that could add to the negative impact your child experiences.

Give your kid space to feel and process their emotions.

This is a big change for any child that will likely cause them to feel some big feelings. It is important to reassure the child it is not their fault, that their parents both love and care for them, and that their emotions are valid. Be prepared to offer hugs or physical affection, to answer questions in an age-appropriate and neutral manner, to let your child go to their room to be alone for a while, to provide tissues, or for any other reaction you anticipate your child may have. Your child may feel sad, angry, confused, or even withdrawn upon hearing this news. Do not judge or correct your child for the type of response they have, even if it is not what you expected. However, be observant and make note of any signs of distress. Consider retaining either an individual or family therapist to work with the child if they
continue to struggle with the transition.

Have answers to the big questions prepared.

Whether immediately or after your child has had some time to think about things, they will likely have questions. Be patient and keep an open line of communication with your kids so they have multiple opportunities to ask questions. You should prepare your response for some of the most common inquiries, preferably collaboratively with your co-parent, so you can be consistent with your responses. Your child will likely want to know why this is happening, whether it could have been prevented, and what their lives will look like moving forward. It is a good idea to discuss a plan for temporary parenting time and/or living arrangements before entering this conversation with your children, so you can provide them with a concrete schedule and expectations as to where and with whom they will live, how often they will see ach parent, and what their routine in general will look like.

Never discuss court, pleadings, or other details of the litigation.

If the children have any level of awareness that their parents are fighting over anything in Court, it is likely they will feel responsible for the outcome, even if it had nothing to do with them.

Encourage the children to have a positive relationship with the other parent.

Unless there are legitimate safety concerns, your child should feel free to love both of their parents. Never speak negatively about the other parent or the other parent’s extended family. Speaking negatively about the child’s other parent could damage your relationship with the child, as the child could view this as you not accepting half of who they are.

Provide consistency and stability whenever possible and keep promises.

Maintaining a consistent routine between both parents’ homes will assist in the transition. The less things that change between houses in terms of schedules, bedtimes, chores, available clothes and activities, etc., the less difficult it will be for the children to adjust when going between their parents’ homes. The best practice would be to maintain the routines and norms that the children had during the marriage to the extent it is possible. Once you have conveyed expectations for parenting time, phone calls, attending school events, or other parenting policies to the children, it is important to follow through on those commitments to establish reliability, trust, and security. Although emergencies happen and things may need to change from time to time through no fault of your own, it is advisable to avoid unexpected or last-minute disruptions to the plan. Regular routine and familiarity will reduce the changes your child needs to adapt.

Reach out to Teachers and Caregivers.

Inform your child’s teachers, caregivers, coaches, or other adults involved in your child’s life of this transition and any conversations you have had with them about the transition. Ask them to keep an eye out for the child exhibiting any concerning behaviors or needing extra support. Make sure they are aware of what information your child knows or does not know to prevent the inadvertent sharing of information that might not be appropriate for the child to know.

Avoid placing responsibilities on your child.

Your child is not your peer and should have no role in discussing your feelings or emotions throughout this process, even if you have a close relationship. You should only be using other adults or your therapist as a sounding board for your conflict with your co-parent.

CONCLUSION

Ultimately, explaining divorce to your children is about openness, reassurance, and creating a stable future for them. While the emotional journey will be difficult to navigate, establishing a clear and stable legal framework is essential for their long-term well-being. Knowing their custody arrangement and financial future is secure allows you to focus fully on their emotional needs. At Brown Carrington, PLLC, we care and are here to help you protect your child’s best interests. Contact us today to schedule a consultation with one of our skilled attorneys to discuss the details of your case and determine your best path forward.

Written by: Kirsten Etre

Kirsten is a dedicated attorney newly licensed to practice law, bringing a wealth of practical experience across various legal domains. Her professional journey began with multiple roles in legal support, encompassing criminal law, civil litigation, family law, personal injury, and dependency and neglect proceedings. These positions, held both before and during her law school tenure, provided Kirsten with invaluable hands-on experience that profoundly informs her approach as an attorney.

Learn more about Kirsten here.

Kirsten Etre headshot

Edited by: Catherine Pierce

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